i used to call out your name repeatedly and far along the way i thought it probably annoyed you. but i kept doing it again. and again. and again. but i called out your name in search of a familiar tone, that particular way you rolled your tongue murmuring an answer — a melody that can only be composed out of luck and pure happenstance. it usually took me about three to four tries for you to get it right. to say it right. to do it right.

and it felt so right. the comforting tone that felt like a warm blanket draping over me — like getting snuggled by beach sand. the loving sound with a tinge of comfort: my favorite song. that one-note, one-second short of a song, a one-instrument symphony, a one-manned orchestra made from a one-word poem. the one. just like you: the one.

i don’t think i can ever live with myself, continue to live on with the less of you, to heave through my corrupted lungs — that keep gasping for air and you and you and you. how can i continue to live on if one day that orchestra would no longer be composed by me? that another lucky girl would hear the exact same tone without ever looking for it? would she long for it, would she yearn as much as i did?

would she waste you as hard as i did? would she live her fortunate life in regrets like i do now? and would you hate her for it — like you hate me now? would that curse only be granted for me, because no one could hurt you as much as i did?

would that hatred only be reserved for me? did i curse myself for ages?

hate. i allow you to hate me.

you’ve always told me that hatred from other people were just unimportant background noise, that none of it mattered; so i only focused on you. on your tone. your enchanting words, your calming reassurances, and your efforts to soothe me. but if, if, those hurtful words came out of your own mouth, if they rolled out your tongue, then how could i ignore it? you can never be a background noise. you can never be a part of irrelevant cacophony. i swear, i could find you in a discordant mixture of loud sounds.

how do i possibly tune you out? render you a background noise?

you’re not a background noise, your voice rings in my head so often that it creates resonance. every word you say matters twice as much, for better or for worse, i couldn’t say it didn’t matter, i couldn’t pick and choose which one mattered. i just don’t have it in me, to expect that you have knives this sharp rolled up your sleeves. i just don’t have it in me, to anticipate how badly painful this could feel. i just don’t have it in me, to heal… to forget… to ignore… to move on… to leave my wounds alone… to not cry.

if you want to hurt me, i understand. i understand that i deserve it. but at least own up to it. be proud that you overcame me. be proud that you rid yourself of me. be proud that you learned for the better. be proud that you succeeded in getting what you wanted. you’ve won. you don’t have to keep fighting, you no longer have to strategize, you’ve won. you don’t have to keep scores anymore. doesn’t victory taste better when you own up to it?

i have become ash from your fire. you scorch brighter than flames, you sting more like the summer sun, you’ve kept me warm then you burned me at stake — like i’m a witch tied to a pole waiting for my demise. before i am engulfed by the blazing fire i am thoroughly grateful that your fire once kept me from freezing. but now i’ve become ashes, and now i’m scattered all over the place and i pray that wherever this wind takes me, makes me whole again eventually.

when i become whole again, when this sorry excuse of a person turns recognizable again, i wish… i wish there would be a time where i could reach out my hand and cup your cheeks. then i would say it’s okay, it’s okay, i understand. no matter how hurtful it is at the moment, how badly my eyes sting for crying so long with no end, how painful it is for my chest to contain my mouthful cries, i understand. if one day there would be time where you somehow felt guilt, i would be there to rid you of it. no matter how many battle scars i got from this winless fight, i understand. i understand why you did what you did. what you wanted. what felt good at the time.

if the solace you seek comes from my hurt then so be it. have my greatest hurt. have it whole.

for all its worth, my hurt won’t ever turn to hate. i will forever let my memories of you be golden, i would never let them rot. i would look back on everything with so much love. even if you shunned me out, i still left a part of me back when we were happy and i communicated with her every now and then to remind myself that for a moment… just for a fleeting moment… i deserved you.

i know you hate me despite your promises that you never will. i know that my name tastes bitter in your mouth. i know that my name doesn’t roll off your tongue as easy as it used to. i know that now you paint me with darker colors than before. i know and i understand. but please have it in your heart, somehow, that i can never hate you. i can never curse you out. no matter what you did. no matter what you’re doing now. no matter what you will do.

please have it in your heart that how badly hurt you’ve made me is always understood. is always excused. is always forgiven.

please have it in your heart

that i understand.